...previously on P or P:
i confused myself and others by explaining i had to re-evaluate my overall sense of "wholeness" or "happiness" without really elaborating or explicating my new perspective or why i had to. i had told a friend of mine that, "for many reasons, romantic relationships aside, my life seems a bit more complete now even though I still have a lot to learn." in response, the friend challenged me by assigning me the creation of a list. a list describing my life-changing experiences. i may be wrong, but i think it may have been a euphamism for, "oh yeah, then how so?" maybe i worded my previous statement wrong. i should've made it clearer that i am still figuring my shit out. i am interpreting "life-changing" as to mean "altering one's life as specific events occur." in other words, i am not coming from a point-of-view that considers hindsight. at any rate, here is a short list from the top of my head, with no respect to postive or negative effects:
-being born
-being adopted
-becoming a us citizen and becoming acclimated to american culture
-embracing OCD
-recognizing the high expectations set by myself and others
-rejecting OCD
-getting my first guitar
-conceding to addiction
-enduring a sports injury and the accompanying self-pity
-falling in love
-realizing that i was different
-conceding to temptation
-falling in love, again, too late
-learning that risks aren't always a good thing, the hard way
-realizing that i hadn't yet lived up to certain expectations
-making a drastic change of location
-becoming acquainted with an unrecalled part of myself
-falling in love again
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Some thoughts from January
Recently, I may have stumbled upon a new revelation. I might have come to understand why “The Rhetoric of Human Rights” was one of my favorite classes at the U of W…unbeknownst to myself, I’ve been enthralled by what it really means to “help someone” for awhile now. I know there is no direct correlation to, nor do I make the assumption that the following are directly related, but nonetheless, I pose the following question: is it necessarily a positive thing to lend aid to a benefactor if the it is just a band aid instead of a long-term solution? In the case of financial aid to Africa—maybe not. Some might argue (which I was recently reminded of during BBC’s “Hard Talk”), always being considered the “receiver” is a detriment to self improvement. And possibly in my case, the same is true.
In recent years, let’s say for the past decade, I’ve been slowly becoming aware of how I may not have fit in the US. One possible cause for this is that, for many years growing up, I was treated differently. I am certain that I was not completely conscious of this fact at the time. For when people stared at me, I thought it was maybe because I was just “exotic-looking.” It may have occurred to me that it was because I was different, but the implications of that have changed for me over time. Yes. I look different on the outside, but I didn't acknowledge that that may have been how people viewed me on a person-as-a-whole level. It wasn’t until I moved to Boston that I began to toil with my identity as a Korean-American. I didn't feel as if I was being treated differently, if only in simple non-verbal communication. No random stares were shot my way; I was just another colored face in a rainbow sea of skin tones. It felt refreshing to be around people that weren’t all white.
Taking a step back to my youth, I truly feel that I may have been given certain opportunities because I was a minority. This effect was apparent through numerous channels of my life then, whether from my parents, siblings, friends, teachers, etc. Sometimes I was given preferred treatment, possibly as a result of my status as a minority. I may be discounting myself in certain aspects, but in retrospect, it may have been possible in some cases, probable in others.
It was then in 2008, that I was compelled to finally seek my roots. Though I had had some inkling to return at some point during my adolescence, it never came to fruition, as I had always needed to make money during free periods of my life. I was not satisfied with my life, generally speaking.
Then coming to Korea, as in making an effort to finally maybe finding my place (a possible explanation to my partial disconnection from both of my families—being adopted and having the underlying sense of being unwanted), it’s been a slap in the face to be not called or considered “Korean”—especially by fellow Koreans or the people that are nearest to me at the present moment—friends, co-workers, etc.
I’ve always assumed to govern my life, with the exception of love, by a code of logic (which happened to be another one of my favy yoo-dub courses). But bridging the gap between two languages, to me, seems a valuable tool when teaching a foreign language.
….too tired, more later,
self
In recent years, let’s say for the past decade, I’ve been slowly becoming aware of how I may not have fit in the US. One possible cause for this is that, for many years growing up, I was treated differently. I am certain that I was not completely conscious of this fact at the time. For when people stared at me, I thought it was maybe because I was just “exotic-looking.” It may have occurred to me that it was because I was different, but the implications of that have changed for me over time. Yes. I look different on the outside, but I didn't acknowledge that that may have been how people viewed me on a person-as-a-whole level. It wasn’t until I moved to Boston that I began to toil with my identity as a Korean-American. I didn't feel as if I was being treated differently, if only in simple non-verbal communication. No random stares were shot my way; I was just another colored face in a rainbow sea of skin tones. It felt refreshing to be around people that weren’t all white.
Taking a step back to my youth, I truly feel that I may have been given certain opportunities because I was a minority. This effect was apparent through numerous channels of my life then, whether from my parents, siblings, friends, teachers, etc. Sometimes I was given preferred treatment, possibly as a result of my status as a minority. I may be discounting myself in certain aspects, but in retrospect, it may have been possible in some cases, probable in others.
It was then in 2008, that I was compelled to finally seek my roots. Though I had had some inkling to return at some point during my adolescence, it never came to fruition, as I had always needed to make money during free periods of my life. I was not satisfied with my life, generally speaking.
Then coming to Korea, as in making an effort to finally maybe finding my place (a possible explanation to my partial disconnection from both of my families—being adopted and having the underlying sense of being unwanted), it’s been a slap in the face to be not called or considered “Korean”—especially by fellow Koreans or the people that are nearest to me at the present moment—friends, co-workers, etc.
I’ve always assumed to govern my life, with the exception of love, by a code of logic (which happened to be another one of my favy yoo-dub courses). But bridging the gap between two languages, to me, seems a valuable tool when teaching a foreign language.
….too tired, more later,
self
The (Not-So-) Daily Show (Blog)
it's always an interesting process...trying to figure out where to begin after so long. 잘지내새요? how have you all been? a lot has happened since we've met last. and since i honestly can't remember what i've chronicled last...
meeting the majority of my korean family.......check
a visiting sister..............................check
finally getting to the gym, taking an extended
break from the gym, returning to the gym.......check
seeing the south sea and my birthplace.........check snowboarding...................................check
lotteworld (think korean disneyworld lite).....check
american president of color....................check
seeing the west sea............................check
hating on korean bosses (one in particular)....check
playing the guitar.............................check
being the future uncle to a combined 17
nephews and nieces.............................check
learning about...many...things...and...stuff...check
riding the won (korean $) wave of value........check
ending the start of my relationship with
my "new brother" end on a sour note............check
alienating a friend............................check
becoming a bit of a hermit.....................check
the last couple am i particularly thrilled or proud of, but they've become part of my life, and since i've recently had to divulge a certain aspect of my life, well, when in rome?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
note* the next few entries, assuming i actually do them, will probably be a bit scattered since i will be traveling forward/backward/sideways in regards to time (think season 5 of LOST sans interesting plot twists and excellent score)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i came across the beginnings of twitteroid i had jotted in mid-february that didn't see completion:
meeting the majority of my korean family.......check
a visiting sister..............................check
finally getting to the gym, taking an extended
break from the gym, returning to the gym.......check
seeing the south sea and my birthplace.........check snowboarding...................................check
lotteworld (think korean disneyworld lite).....check
american president of color....................check
seeing the west sea............................check
hating on korean bosses (one in particular)....check
playing the guitar.............................check
being the future uncle to a combined 17
nephews and nieces.............................check
learning about...many...things...and...stuff...check
riding the won (korean $) wave of value........check
ending the start of my relationship with
my "new brother" end on a sour note............check
alienating a friend............................check
becoming a bit of a hermit.....................check
the last couple am i particularly thrilled or proud of, but they've become part of my life, and since i've recently had to divulge a certain aspect of my life, well, when in rome?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
note* the next few entries, assuming i actually do them, will probably be a bit scattered since i will be traveling forward/backward/sideways in regards to time (think season 5 of LOST sans interesting plot twists and excellent score)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i came across the beginnings of twitteroid i had jotted in mid-february that didn't see completion:
here is my latest excuse [for not updating]: my mind has been elsewhere, in many senses of the word, distracted. i know it might hurt some people to hear this, but i will reiterate something that i've recently expressed: even though my life is no where near perfection, i can't picture it being much better given the dependent and independent variables (the controllable and uncontrollable influences). don't misinterpret this for my complete acceptance for where i stand amidst any personal goals i've set, just as a general sentiment i've developed over the past few months.
i include the above because:
1) i recently had to re-evaluate this sentiment. i will admit, as it turns out, a playful and pseudo-serious goal of mine was to meet and, perhaps, date someone of my heritage--think in a different vein, if you'll excuse my lack of humor and tact--to "yellow fever".
i did not expect such an opportunity to arise within the burgeoning months of my trip, be that as it may, such an occasion expired. after a couple months of living here, i met a nice korean girl.
now:
-if this sounds like old news to you, you may PAGE DOWN (a la "choose you own adventure" books)
-but to some of you (or one person in particular who may not ever see this) continue reading.
to sum it up, we fell in love. she fulfilled my vision of what i needed and wanted in a woman to the extent that i've foreseen possible. i don't really care to share more than that. peggy noonan of the wall street journal was quoted (excuse me if i'm taking this way out of context) while discussing the release of important information to the public, "some of life has to be mysterious." she would be duly noted in this case, had her quote not been in reference to the torture tactics used by the U.S...in any case, i have been developing this relationship for some time now, and though i currently have no further comment as per the specifics, i include this debriefing for the following reason--pardon the "person looking in the mirror with a mirror behind them" effect i might be causing:
1) a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. i have been hiding this very foreground-ish element of my life, and it's kept me from writing. ironically, there's a strange narcissistic nature to writing publicly--or more specifically, blogging to a small audience. seeing my work "published" in a sense gives me motivation to actually document my thoughts, if only fleeting. in a way, i feel a bit like christopher columbus. i am surely not the first to step into this world of blog-realization, but i would imagine it's more difficult to be a dealer without tasting some of your product. and even though i could have written about other aspects of my life, which i had been doing more privately since the onset of my new relationship, christopher mccandless may be right. maybe sharing your happiness (or in general, feelings) cannot be as real without sharing them.
however, i cannot solely place the blame for my absence (mostly to myself) on my inability to write without inclusion of this part of my life. i have another weakness, that of putting too much emphasis on this part of my life. for better or worse, my time and energy and thought that has been largely consumed by this relationship. but again, i meander.
1) i recently had to re-evaluate this sentiment. i will admit, as it turns out, a playful and pseudo-serious goal of mine was to meet and, perhaps, date someone of my heritage--think in a different vein, if you'll excuse my lack of humor and tact--to "yellow fever".
i did not expect such an opportunity to arise within the burgeoning months of my trip, be that as it may, such an occasion expired. after a couple months of living here, i met a nice korean girl.
now:
-if this sounds like old news to you, you may PAGE DOWN (a la "choose you own adventure" books)
-but to some of you (or one person in particular who may not ever see this) continue reading.
to sum it up, we fell in love. she fulfilled my vision of what i needed and wanted in a woman to the extent that i've foreseen possible. i don't really care to share more than that. peggy noonan of the wall street journal was quoted (excuse me if i'm taking this way out of context) while discussing the release of important information to the public, "some of life has to be mysterious." she would be duly noted in this case, had her quote not been in reference to the torture tactics used by the U.S...in any case, i have been developing this relationship for some time now, and though i currently have no further comment as per the specifics, i include this debriefing for the following reason--pardon the "person looking in the mirror with a mirror behind them" effect i might be causing:
1) a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. i have been hiding this very foreground-ish element of my life, and it's kept me from writing. ironically, there's a strange narcissistic nature to writing publicly--or more specifically, blogging to a small audience. seeing my work "published" in a sense gives me motivation to actually document my thoughts, if only fleeting. in a way, i feel a bit like christopher columbus. i am surely not the first to step into this world of blog-realization, but i would imagine it's more difficult to be a dealer without tasting some of your product. and even though i could have written about other aspects of my life, which i had been doing more privately since the onset of my new relationship, christopher mccandless may be right. maybe sharing your happiness (or in general, feelings) cannot be as real without sharing them.
however, i cannot solely place the blame for my absence (mostly to myself) on my inability to write without inclusion of this part of my life. i have another weakness, that of putting too much emphasis on this part of my life. for better or worse, my time and energy and thought that has been largely consumed by this relationship. but again, i meander.
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