the grass is always greener

i've had so many feelings in the last few days. i intentionally avoided words "emotions" and "meloncholy" because i'm not sure if i'm exactly attached to the sentiments yet. i know i had made a vow to myself not to be so touchy-feely around my free-access publisher (especially considering all the real shit that's been goin in the world), but i'm not sure if there'd be anyone to identify with me or lend an ear at this hour. i've realized that being a politician may be in the works as much as i've gone back on what i've said. months and months ago, i had pined for the simple conversation that had dominated a greater portion of my life. now i feel like that has created a bit of a void...

see mark sanford (gov. of south carolina and self proclaimed family man who was just caught globe-trotting w/former love interest [not his wife])

see pres. obama (in an isolated case of going back on his word, to some extent, the closing of gitmo)

and...see joseph. (though not a politician, a man that wears a suit. the vice president/god-for-bid-call-him-a-teacher-although-he-is-one-only-as-a-formality/or what i like to call him, "assistant ass")

we've come upon the perpetual turnstile, and this time, i'm not the one physically passing through. the "CCs" to whom i've referenced, are in their final hours in seouland, and i have to admit, it's played with my psyche more than i was expecting. for some reason, big changes conspicuously sneak up on me as if i'm the blond in a slasher film, oblivious to my imminent demise.

their soon departure has made me reflect on my time here. and the little time i have left.

for the longest time, i've harbored not-so-great feelings because of their arrogance. i'll have to admit, though, they've both seemed to come around a bit in the past few months. and despite their ability to overcome a little personal obstacle, only now that they are leaving, do i recognize or admit some of their finer traits.

they are sincerely intelligent people. and as opinionated as they are, it's been nice to have fellow foreigners around that have something to say about our world. and as open minded as i proclaim and wish to be, my pride got in the way of letting them into my life. i've never been very good at taking advice or criticism, but there was snide nature to their treatment of everyone that i had difficulty dealing with.

i feel like i've taken granted their minds, nonetheless--especially at a point in my relationship where i'm kinda craving a challenge. this is not to say that the person to whom i'm referring isn't intelligent in her own right nor that i am not currently trying to fulfill any of her demands-quite the contrary. however, i don't know if motivation is really a byproduct of our relationship's aura--in the same way that i didn't take advantage of living with really talented musicians because i was a bit off put by their occasional musical snobbery and coveted abilities.

in addition to their cognitive abilities, as i've learned in the past few weeks, they're not so too bad to party with. at the same time they know how to put you down, they also know how to flatter a guy. they have traveled and are traveling with the same vigor and passion as i had once envisioned myself capable. they are well-versed in media/culture/literature. all areas that i've had interest, but lacked a circle to nuture it.

i've always said you only die once, and i say that not because i'm a pessimistic person, but because i've always wanted to live like someone who understands that our time here is limited. with this attitude i came to korea, and i have begun to feel like i'm losing grip on it.

and from them i've learned a lesson better late than never. during the times i've had reservations about doing something to my benefit that could potentially hurt me, i've been either too blind or scared to act. having others protect you from the world because of insecurity is one thing, but being your own barricade is another.