Something In The Way

i'm no longer in lalaland mentally, physically, literally or metaphorically. i'm staying with the old folks in arizona (though i have to admit, eating and living with the rents is not a bad deal--or more accurately, free).

after buying a domestic car i wasn't thrilled about (unlike my parents, who seemed more like commision-free salesmen working for the dealership instead of objective co-searchers), i realized there weren't many reasons that tied my heart to "going back, back, to cali, cali". i mean, besides the investment in the vehicle, it goes WITH saying that it's been all TOO quiet on the western front in terms of jobs or housing.

i've made a couple decent connections. but as a couple friends who live there have warned me, some l.a.-minded folk are really good at talking themselves up/making promises, but aren't so good at backing up their boast/following through on promises. i still haven't heard back from this nbc dude who said he'd "put some feelers out for me"--he said he would follow-up with me a week and a half ago.

so lately, i've been reminded of the slight discouragement a friend of mine had been facing a few months ago when looking for work. at first, he seemed pretty attached to doing something he was pumped about. he wasn't going to be satisfied doing something worthless. but, after seeing how shitty it was trying to find something, he started looking for anything. i too, initially wasn't going to do anything "below me". but like him, i felt the same forces working against me. job market, uneasiness, lack of success...i started applying for just about anything. i just wanted to be doing SOMETHING for the sake of not doing nothing, u know? i had a few responses, but nothing much outside of: lo/no budget, reality, or commercial nonsense.

i know this isn't a perfect world. i've known that for a long time. outside of endless applications, i've had the chance to introduce and reintroduce myself to some of the problems we're facing:

a) the handling of haiti. the way in which the american government has chosen to address the situation has been, up to this point, unacceptable. the haitian government, to its detriment, has given the US military control over its airports; planes, such as the Doctors Without Borders flight, were redirected because of fears of insecurity. in the meantime, perhaps thousands of unnecessary deaths could have been avoided. this is only one example of how america has fell short of actually helping foreign countries (other examples are obvious). with the hundreds of thousands dead, the last thing the poorest country in the western hemisphere needed was a military occupation. But, leave it to the police of the world to live up to its namesake.

b) wall street's grip on washington's balls. (to be further addressed)

c) washington itself...health care as one of many issues as hand. energy policy--further dependence on fossil fuels.

d) the downward spiral of our media. super bowl ads.

needless to say, i've had a bit of a change of heart. i realized that if i eventually want to be in the entertainment sector, i'm not going to sacrifice what i had envisioned my connection to it being. i left my previous job, which had been within the corporate world, in pursuit of something that would hopefully improve the state of society. i know it's might be a bit much to ask for considering the conditions. but hey, i'm a bit of a romantic.

that said, i'm not sure what i'll be doing. i might end up going back to korea earlier than i had expected. but hopefully when i get back, our man and his minions might start living up to the promises (much like some of the ones he made in his state of the union), he's made.

Happy Holidays

turns out that two of my 10 nieces (halle, left; marlena, reght) were the ones who placed baby jesus in his manger...who knew?
so THAT's where bobby fisher has been all these years!
lilly, andrew, meebs...check it out. one of my sisters in the states (wendy--not the one pictured here as you know), in a feat of happenstance, purchased the sacred book (not the bible) that i had so coveted all those times at one of the bookstores in coex. breanna got version one, and i got #2. maybe this will be motivation for more (by "more" i mean "some") korean studies.
snow. oh how i missed thee. sort of.
another of my nieces (aly), enjoying the fruits of my brother's (혜진) labor. he saw me off to the airport in a fancy ass ride with US $200. what else would we purchase with that kind of cheese but a wii?

POTPOURRI / OLDER PICS

I was just out for some coffee one day...

the necks on these Telecasters were your typical 24...centimeters!

these particularly animated little guys were on display on the Buddha's B-day

the recent torrential downpours inspired me to play with my new camera

a park near my hometown, 병점

TRUE LOVE

Precious Time

It was a tough start to Wednesday.

We seemingly started on a jovial note when we had a foreign/Korean luncheon in secret. For some reason, cross cultural meetings outside of work are not supported--it was brought to my attention, and it seems clear to me now, that this is due only to our Assistant Ass's paranoia that we will talk shit about him. If he only knew what we said about him within a stone's throw--luckily his English is not that great.

It was going well until the end, when a fellow American teacher got the most devastating phone call I could imagine from her step-father. A few days ago, a seemingly simple medical procedure soured a few days after Marquita's mother had stepped out of the OR. She had had surgery on her ankle, but unfortunately, passed away due to complications related to the surgery. I claim no clinical expertise, nor do I deny that these things don't ever happen, but I can't help but feel that malpractice may be a word uttered soon after the first wave of shock and pain wear off for the ones close to her.

Death is a subject that usually seems to escape us on a daily basis. I've been fortunate to have little experience with it, and likewise for many people my age, it is a concept not yet fully realized. With the wave of high-profile deaths as of late, it now seems to be an "it" word. But it never really hits home hard enough until it presents its wretched face in your neighborhood. It would be an understatement to say that it is never easy deal with the loss of a loved one. I can't imagine what it would be like if I lost someone so spontaneously when I was, literally, on the other side of the world.

NOW, WE TRAVEL BACK IN TIME:

Months after our first date (luckily, the non-blind variety), I feel it's necessary to finally share some photos of the person I see most in Korea. Her name is 박효원 (Bak Hyowon). Though she currently calls Suwon home, for the first couple of months I had to pleasure of walking her home every night in Byeongjeom...not only was it a nice stroll, I got at least half an hour of exercise everyday!

She is a few years my senior, but looks and behaves much like someone my age.

Beyond her looks ^^, one of Hyowon's endearing characteristics is her willingness to be somewhat flexible to the contrasts in behavior I've presented to her in a relationship. To whom I've vented my frustrations of my protective girlfriend, this may come as a surprise. But even though we may not always see eye-to-eye, she reasons with me and explicates the cause of her frustration when she is upset. I admit I was somewhat reluctant to believing she could harbor anger for some of the things I did or said but was ironically calmed by proof, through outside sources, that her anger was validated from a Korean's perspective. And to those of us who value honesty, this may not seem like such an alien behavior. My intentions are not to illustrate people here as lacking integrity. But being up front with emotional feelings doesn't come easy to many Koreans. Consequently, it has been a feat for her to do so, considering the way those feelings had been dealt with in her previous twenty-x years. I have not taken for granted that she aptly responded to my request to operate with more transparency (if only our last administration had done the same!).

In no way am I saying that a fundamental reason for my attraction is her being "westernized" and that I want to her to bend to every nuance of my sometimes very foreign personality--I've always taken some pride in knowing that, technically, my true homeland doesn't have a national language--Ideally, we could co-exist without imposing sort of standard on culture and speech. Wouldn't it be great if we didn't fearfully agonize but rejoice in our differences? This is an belief to which I fully subscribe and didn't intend on forgetting when I stepped on Korean soil.

I'm just glad that she's a bit open-minded.

Much like many Koreans, she only has one sibling; but, she has the misfortune of simultaneously being the eldest progeny and an unmarried woman. As in some places in the world, there is an immense pressure for women to be married. Economic development in the last few decades has helped shape some of the ways in which Koreans are becoming more Westernized. The process and weightiness of meeting parents, however, may not be one of those ways. From my experience, first contact with my gf's folks in the US may not have been taken lightly, but it didn't carry nearly the same significance as it does here, especially for someone of Hyowon's age (whoops...I'm making her sound like a senior citizen). For a while, I felt a small void because I had not met her parents in the numerous days we've been together. Moreover, I had not even been established as her significant other. I'd like to think that I've had healthy relationships with my previous girlfriends' families. So, not to pretend that a certain precedent should be set for all relationships, I had felt a little apprehensive to that facet of our relationship.

Here are the reasons, I had thought, that prevented her telling her parents.

A) I'm a few years younger than she is. The perception of this status in Korea may be changing, but social change doesn't occur overnight.

B) Accordingly, I am not at very financially stable point in my life.

C) I'm not Korean. Really.

I used to ask, It's not like I'm a brainless, pennyless leper on the verge of death, right? But after she told her mother about my existence, I'm not singing the same tune. Turns out that in light of the above facts, there would be pressure for me to propose to some 원 (won...pardon my pun) of her age and position.

the grass is always greener

i've had so many feelings in the last few days. i intentionally avoided words "emotions" and "meloncholy" because i'm not sure if i'm exactly attached to the sentiments yet. i know i had made a vow to myself not to be so touchy-feely around my free-access publisher (especially considering all the real shit that's been goin in the world), but i'm not sure if there'd be anyone to identify with me or lend an ear at this hour. i've realized that being a politician may be in the works as much as i've gone back on what i've said. months and months ago, i had pined for the simple conversation that had dominated a greater portion of my life. now i feel like that has created a bit of a void...

see mark sanford (gov. of south carolina and self proclaimed family man who was just caught globe-trotting w/former love interest [not his wife])

see pres. obama (in an isolated case of going back on his word, to some extent, the closing of gitmo)

and...see joseph. (though not a politician, a man that wears a suit. the vice president/god-for-bid-call-him-a-teacher-although-he-is-one-only-as-a-formality/or what i like to call him, "assistant ass")

we've come upon the perpetual turnstile, and this time, i'm not the one physically passing through. the "CCs" to whom i've referenced, are in their final hours in seouland, and i have to admit, it's played with my psyche more than i was expecting. for some reason, big changes conspicuously sneak up on me as if i'm the blond in a slasher film, oblivious to my imminent demise.

their soon departure has made me reflect on my time here. and the little time i have left.

for the longest time, i've harbored not-so-great feelings because of their arrogance. i'll have to admit, though, they've both seemed to come around a bit in the past few months. and despite their ability to overcome a little personal obstacle, only now that they are leaving, do i recognize or admit some of their finer traits.

they are sincerely intelligent people. and as opinionated as they are, it's been nice to have fellow foreigners around that have something to say about our world. and as open minded as i proclaim and wish to be, my pride got in the way of letting them into my life. i've never been very good at taking advice or criticism, but there was snide nature to their treatment of everyone that i had difficulty dealing with.

i feel like i've taken granted their minds, nonetheless--especially at a point in my relationship where i'm kinda craving a challenge. this is not to say that the person to whom i'm referring isn't intelligent in her own right nor that i am not currently trying to fulfill any of her demands-quite the contrary. however, i don't know if motivation is really a byproduct of our relationship's aura--in the same way that i didn't take advantage of living with really talented musicians because i was a bit off put by their occasional musical snobbery and coveted abilities.

in addition to their cognitive abilities, as i've learned in the past few weeks, they're not so too bad to party with. at the same time they know how to put you down, they also know how to flatter a guy. they have traveled and are traveling with the same vigor and passion as i had once envisioned myself capable. they are well-versed in media/culture/literature. all areas that i've had interest, but lacked a circle to nuture it.

i've always said you only die once, and i say that not because i'm a pessimistic person, but because i've always wanted to live like someone who understands that our time here is limited. with this attitude i came to korea, and i have begun to feel like i'm losing grip on it.

and from them i've learned a lesson better late than never. during the times i've had reservations about doing something to my benefit that could potentially hurt me, i've been either too blind or scared to act. having others protect you from the world because of insecurity is one thing, but being your own barricade is another.

this week i received two more gold stars on my teaching resume. as disheartening as its been teaching in the environment i've previously described, there are a few glints that manage to twinkle through the murky cloud of bullshit.

MOMENT 1:

our core curriculum consists of two sessions that last 3 months. prior to my completion of the whole sh'bang, i had taught one particularly...i'll say...animated student (pictured right). outstanding, at least academically, would not be a word i would use to describe this girl. words i would undoubtedly use would be charismatic and enthusiastic. so, upon finishing an 8-class marathon monday, i finally got to cushion my cheeks for more than a few seconds. one of our favorite pastimes during our final hour of prep work is reviewing some of the "hits of the day"--as in the best written work--be it comical, endearing, or just awkward in translation. today, a colleague's student was assigned a brief writing exercise with the instructions to "write about yourself." it was filled with your standard i like kimchi many and in the summer i like go to pool and then to the my home responses. but, she did include a brief passage about her favorite teachers. when laura (my co-worker) read her name along with mine, i felt as if sacrificing my pee breaks to share a couple moments with my students outside of class had been worth it that day.

MOMENT 2:

in the last few weeks, the temperature in korea has been climbing at a rate that would surely peak everest, and i have taken asylum in the seminar room. normally, this would be avoided at all costs, as that would be cause for more headache with the wild crew that assembles there after hours (that is where "detaashion" is held). surprisingly on this particular day, a student, that had previously deemed me unfit to be in her presence, finally came around. before, every time i met heidi in the hallway, she would stop, aghast that i had a korean face but didn't have the tongue to back it up. though i had heard that this was only a ploy, it still was like a little knife gently tearing the fresh scab of identity crisis. however, on this day...she extended a sign of kinship through sharing a prized chocolate bar from thailand. it almost made me feel as if i was sort of korean...

i know i haven't been getting the same feeling as tutoring students--expatriates who may actually have a chance at providing themselves with a better life by refining their communication skills--who eagerly await my assistance in their english studies; yet, i still feel as if i am making somewhat of an impact on their brief lives.

so, although i may not be saving the world here and though they may seem few and far between, these kinds of moments make my days semi-worth it.