the grass is always greener

i've had so many feelings in the last few days. i intentionally avoided words "emotions" and "meloncholy" because i'm not sure if i'm exactly attached to the sentiments yet. i know i had made a vow to myself not to be so touchy-feely around my free-access publisher (especially considering all the real shit that's been goin in the world), but i'm not sure if there'd be anyone to identify with me or lend an ear at this hour. i've realized that being a politician may be in the works as much as i've gone back on what i've said. months and months ago, i had pined for the simple conversation that had dominated a greater portion of my life. now i feel like that has created a bit of a void...

see mark sanford (gov. of south carolina and self proclaimed family man who was just caught globe-trotting w/former love interest [not his wife])

see pres. obama (in an isolated case of going back on his word, to some extent, the closing of gitmo)

and...see joseph. (though not a politician, a man that wears a suit. the vice president/god-for-bid-call-him-a-teacher-although-he-is-one-only-as-a-formality/or what i like to call him, "assistant ass")

we've come upon the perpetual turnstile, and this time, i'm not the one physically passing through. the "CCs" to whom i've referenced, are in their final hours in seouland, and i have to admit, it's played with my psyche more than i was expecting. for some reason, big changes conspicuously sneak up on me as if i'm the blond in a slasher film, oblivious to my imminent demise.

their soon departure has made me reflect on my time here. and the little time i have left.

for the longest time, i've harbored not-so-great feelings because of their arrogance. i'll have to admit, though, they've both seemed to come around a bit in the past few months. and despite their ability to overcome a little personal obstacle, only now that they are leaving, do i recognize or admit some of their finer traits.

they are sincerely intelligent people. and as opinionated as they are, it's been nice to have fellow foreigners around that have something to say about our world. and as open minded as i proclaim and wish to be, my pride got in the way of letting them into my life. i've never been very good at taking advice or criticism, but there was snide nature to their treatment of everyone that i had difficulty dealing with.

i feel like i've taken granted their minds, nonetheless--especially at a point in my relationship where i'm kinda craving a challenge. this is not to say that the person to whom i'm referring isn't intelligent in her own right nor that i am not currently trying to fulfill any of her demands-quite the contrary. however, i don't know if motivation is really a byproduct of our relationship's aura--in the same way that i didn't take advantage of living with really talented musicians because i was a bit off put by their occasional musical snobbery and coveted abilities.

in addition to their cognitive abilities, as i've learned in the past few weeks, they're not so too bad to party with. at the same time they know how to put you down, they also know how to flatter a guy. they have traveled and are traveling with the same vigor and passion as i had once envisioned myself capable. they are well-versed in media/culture/literature. all areas that i've had interest, but lacked a circle to nuture it.

i've always said you only die once, and i say that not because i'm a pessimistic person, but because i've always wanted to live like someone who understands that our time here is limited. with this attitude i came to korea, and i have begun to feel like i'm losing grip on it.

and from them i've learned a lesson better late than never. during the times i've had reservations about doing something to my benefit that could potentially hurt me, i've been either too blind or scared to act. having others protect you from the world because of insecurity is one thing, but being your own barricade is another.

this week i received two more gold stars on my teaching resume. as disheartening as its been teaching in the environment i've previously described, there are a few glints that manage to twinkle through the murky cloud of bullshit.

MOMENT 1:

our core curriculum consists of two sessions that last 3 months. prior to my completion of the whole sh'bang, i had taught one particularly...i'll say...animated student (pictured right). outstanding, at least academically, would not be a word i would use to describe this girl. words i would undoubtedly use would be charismatic and enthusiastic. so, upon finishing an 8-class marathon monday, i finally got to cushion my cheeks for more than a few seconds. one of our favorite pastimes during our final hour of prep work is reviewing some of the "hits of the day"--as in the best written work--be it comical, endearing, or just awkward in translation. today, a colleague's student was assigned a brief writing exercise with the instructions to "write about yourself." it was filled with your standard i like kimchi many and in the summer i like go to pool and then to the my home responses. but, she did include a brief passage about her favorite teachers. when laura (my co-worker) read her name along with mine, i felt as if sacrificing my pee breaks to share a couple moments with my students outside of class had been worth it that day.

MOMENT 2:

in the last few weeks, the temperature in korea has been climbing at a rate that would surely peak everest, and i have taken asylum in the seminar room. normally, this would be avoided at all costs, as that would be cause for more headache with the wild crew that assembles there after hours (that is where "detaashion" is held). surprisingly on this particular day, a student, that had previously deemed me unfit to be in her presence, finally came around. before, every time i met heidi in the hallway, she would stop, aghast that i had a korean face but didn't have the tongue to back it up. though i had heard that this was only a ploy, it still was like a little knife gently tearing the fresh scab of identity crisis. however, on this day...she extended a sign of kinship through sharing a prized chocolate bar from thailand. it almost made me feel as if i was sort of korean...

i know i haven't been getting the same feeling as tutoring students--expatriates who may actually have a chance at providing themselves with a better life by refining their communication skills--who eagerly await my assistance in their english studies; yet, i still feel as if i am making somewhat of an impact on their brief lives.

so, although i may not be saving the world here and though they may seem few and far between, these kinds of moments make my days semi-worth it.

THE BUCK STOPS HERE, AND SO DOES ANDREW

Khaled Hosseini's narrator in The Kite Runner on cliches--

"I always thought that cliches got a bum rap. Because, often, they're dead-on. But the aptness of the cliched saying is overshadowed by the nature of the saying as a cliche."

그래, as you get older, time seems to skip a gear. What seems like yesterday, now 3 weeks ago, was the midpoint of my first year in Korea. There would be no halftime show worthy of a nipple-slip, here. I've already admitted that I may have been somewhat distracted...But honestly, the weeks seem to taunt me with the same smirk that my kids get when they think they've pulled one over my head with their 한국말 in class, as if they're leaving me behind. The only difference is, the pace of the weeks are coming to give me that feeling more than the kids are. 

At the same time, I've gone in and out of certain routines, with the most recent making me feel like I haven't experienced anything new, in terms of my job. Most people have already endured my raucous desire to hear "a certain somebody's" swan song. And, most people have heard that the turnover rate of my current place of employment is probably higher than that of a fast food joint. So other than a) passing off the ridiculousness that is my boss as normalcy, and b) seeing the routine of personnel changes, I've felt like I've been coasting for a while.

But a few days ago, I came upon another first--something that I haven't seen in months. 

With the obligatory business attire I have to wear each day, among an abundance of other indicators, it didn't take long for me to become hip to the fact that all hogwans, especially ones like mine, are foremost BUSINESSES. Matthew teacher reminded us of that as he used an anecdote from his other life. 

"I was once asked, in a questionnaire upon entering the world of sales, if it mattered whether or not my clients liked me on a personal level. Though at the time I knew the answer they were looking for was "no", in this atmosphere, it does matter."

It's not such a distant memory that I was forewarned of the power parents and their children have on our positions, but I've failed to really keep that in the foreground of my daily thought process.

I may be giving kids a little too much credit for being perceptive, but I would go as far as to think that some students are aware of this matter and exploit their position, so to do as they please. Furthermore, they bring what little motivation they have after hours of studying all day long with the mindset that they are being pawned off.

I've seen the kids wandering the halls because their parents know that THIS daycare has the upside of making them look like guardians concerned with education. While I know that statistically, Koreans spend a great deal more on education than much of the world, often it is more about the appearance of progress than actually learning. Theses business-schools (I would've said "school-business", but it would've have been disingenuous to put "school" before "business") know this all too well, and the teachers often end up pandering to parents instead of sticking to what little substance lies in their provided curriculum.1 For example, shitty "middle school prep courses" are established because OTHER hogwans are doing it.2 Then we end up piling on inappropriate assignments that value quantity of quality3 because, well, I'm not quite sure. In any case, the point is that it's hard to come across a student that stays engaged long enough to pin a tail on, let alone share a lesson with.

Students come and go. The ebb and flow of enrollment is at a pivotal moment in late spring '09 (i.e. this wavering economic 3rd quarter, although I'm not exactly sure when the fiscal year starts in Korea) as parents are deciding whether or not to keep their mini-clones in for the summer, or jump ship to try out another hogwan. It's slightly ironic that I am currently in the market for a new gym. It seems that my thought process isn't much different than these parents. Ideally, so I may naively have once thought, these two spheres would be completely different--it would be too destabilizing to toss kids around schools as if it were merely a choice as insignificant as which gym to enroll, without regard to how children adjust to their peers and teachers--but I am now more informed.

Now that I've scratched my ass to get to my elbow...the point. I was sitting in my M-W-F class with one of my favorite students, one of the few who doesn't come to class with the attitude one might assume from the given conditions, the other day. I had the good fortune of having one child in one of my classes, or in other words, a rare opportunity to sit during teaching hours. But they benefits weren't completely selfish. Andrew was a legit student, and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with this kid. He had the greatest imagination and came up with some really original stories with a little push. We had some interesting discussions of his travels to the Phillipines, his grandmother's house, drawing contests in which he was involved (he was an excellent little artist as many of my students are), and the like. 

So when he told me that he was quitting, I found myself, for the first time, emotionally challenged by one of these little humans. I had developed several little attachments leading up to this point but had not yet felt a ping such as this. I would sincerely miss this dude. First number...?

1 - if i had a dime for every mistake i sawed in readingTown book...
2 - if i had a quarter for every time i've seen the apathetic stares of the kids who've been dragged from school to school, having to endure the pitches made by directors, at some point falling under the spell of the king of car salesmen...
3 - vocab quizzes: either too many/not enough...
as I like to say, I would have at least three...MILLION...drum roll... . . .won.(approximately $2.40)

My, oh my--How the winds of change seem to blow in and out of my neck of the woods so frequently. I've decided I've done enough "soul searching" for the time being and should pick up where I once started. Before moving on, I'll just say this (and no, the CD didn't skip):

Korea is great. It's often been overwhelming in many ways. Just living in a foreign country would be enough to keep my mind occupied, but adjusting to a whole life that I wasn't aware of--being part of a whole new family--and developing new relationships with people here while trying to maintain ones back home have been sometimes more than what I can process. It will take awhile for me to truly understand how my life has changed, and I may never recognize the effects; but it hasn't, nor should I let it, become the road block in my personal growth. In effect, I'm admitting that I'm a bit of a flip-flopper. I'll try to share less of "the deeper and darker parts of my soul", and more of "the brighter and less-whiny-parts" of my seoul" ;)

finally explaining

...previously on P or P:

i confused myself and others by explaining i had to re-evaluate my overall sense of "wholeness" or "happiness" without really elaborating or explicating my new perspective or why i had to. i had told a friend of mine that, "for many reasons, romantic relationships aside, my life seems a bit more complete now even though I still have a lot to learn." in response, the friend challenged me by assigning me the creation of a list. a list describing my life-changing experiences. i may be wrong, but i think it may have been a euphamism for, "oh yeah, then how so?" maybe i worded my previous statement wrong. i should've made it clearer that i am still figuring my shit out. i am interpreting "life-changing" as to mean "altering one's life as specific events occur." in other words, i am not coming from a point-of-view that considers hindsight. at any rate, here is a short list from the top of my head, with no respect to postive or negative effects:

-being born
-being adopted
-becoming a us citizen and becoming acclimated to american culture
-embracing OCD
-recognizing the high expectations set by myself and others
-rejecting OCD
-getting my first guitar
-conceding to addiction
-enduring a sports injury and the accompanying self-pity
-falling in love
-realizing that i was different
-conceding to temptation
-falling in love, again, too late
-learning that risks aren't always a good thing, the hard way
-realizing that i hadn't yet lived up to certain expectations
-making a drastic change of location
-becoming acquainted with an unrecalled part of myself
-falling in love again

Some thoughts from January

Recently, I may have stumbled upon a new revelation. I might have come to understand why “The Rhetoric of Human Rights” was one of my favorite classes at the U of W…unbeknownst to myself, I’ve been enthralled by what it really means to “help someone” for awhile now. I know there is no direct correlation to, nor do I make the assumption that the following are directly related, but nonetheless, I pose the following question: is it necessarily a positive thing to lend aid to a benefactor if the it is just a band aid instead of a long-term solution? In the case of financial aid to Africa—maybe not. Some might argue (which I was recently reminded of during BBC’s “Hard Talk”), always being considered the “receiver” is a detriment to self improvement. And possibly in my case, the same is true.

In recent years, let’s say for the past decade, I’ve been slowly becoming aware of how I may not have fit in the US. One possible cause for this is that, for many years growing up, I was treated differently. I am certain that I was not completely conscious of this fact at the time. For when people stared at me, I thought it was maybe because I was just “exotic-looking.” It may have occurred to me that it was because I was different, but the implications of that have changed for me over time. Yes. I look different on the outside, but I didn't acknowledge that that may have been how people viewed me on a person-as-a-whole level. It wasn’t until I moved to Boston that I began to toil with my identity as a Korean-American. I didn't feel as if I was being treated differently, if only in simple non-verbal communication. No random stares were shot my way; I was just another colored face in a rainbow sea of skin tones. It felt refreshing to be around people that weren’t all white.

Taking a step back to my youth, I truly feel that I may have been given certain opportunities because I was a minority. This effect was apparent through numerous channels of my life then, whether from my parents, siblings, friends, teachers, etc. Sometimes I was given preferred treatment, possibly as a result of my status as a minority. I may be discounting myself in certain aspects, but in retrospect, it may have been possible in some cases, probable in others.

It was then in 2008, that I was compelled to finally seek my roots. Though I had had some inkling to return at some point during my adolescence, it never came to fruition, as I had always needed to make money during free periods of my life. I was not satisfied with my life, generally speaking.

Then coming to Korea, as in making an effort to finally maybe finding my place (a possible explanation to my partial disconnection from both of my families—being adopted and having the underlying sense of being unwanted), it’s been a slap in the face to be not called or considered “Korean”—especially by fellow Koreans or the people that are nearest to me at the present moment—friends, co-workers, etc.

I’ve always assumed to govern my life, with the exception of love, by a code of logic (which happened to be another one of my favy yoo-dub courses). But bridging the gap between two languages, to me, seems a valuable tool when teaching a foreign language.


….too tired, more later,

self

The (Not-So-) Daily Show (Blog)

it's always an interesting process...trying to figure out where to begin after so long. 잘지내새요? how have you all been? a lot has happened since we've met last. and since i honestly can't remember what i've chronicled last...

meeting the majority of my korean family.......check
a visiting sister..............................check
finally getting to the gym, taking an extended
break from the gym, returning to the gym.......check
seeing the south sea and my birthplace.........check snowboarding...................................check
lotteworld (think korean disneyworld lite).....check
american president of color....................check
seeing the west sea............................check
hating on korean bosses (one in particular)....check
playing the guitar.............................check
being the future uncle to a combined 17
nephews and nieces.............................check
learning about...many...things...and...stuff...check
riding the won (korean $) wave of value........check
ending the start of my relationship with
my "new brother" end on a sour note............check
alienating a friend............................check
becoming a bit of a hermit.....................check

the last couple am i particularly thrilled or proud of, but they've become part of my life, and since i've recently had to divulge a certain aspect of my life, well, when in rome?

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note* the next few entries, assuming i actually do them, will probably be a bit scattered since i will be traveling forward/backward/sideways in regards to time (think season 5 of LOST sans interesting plot twists and excellent score)
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i came across the beginnings of twitteroid i had jotted in mid-february that didn't see completion:

here is my latest excuse [for not updating]: my mind has been elsewhere, in many senses of the word, distracted. i know it might hurt some people to hear this, but i will reiterate something that i've recently expressed: even though my life is no where near perfection, i can't picture it being much better given the dependent and independent variables (the controllable and uncontrollable influences). don't misinterpret this for my complete acceptance for where i stand amidst any personal goals i've set, just as a general sentiment i've developed over the past few months.

i include the above because:

1) i recently had to re-evaluate this sentiment. i will admit, as it turns out, a playful and pseudo-serious goal of mine was to meet and, perhaps, date someone of my heritage--think in a different vein, if you'll excuse my lack of humor and tact--to "yellow fever".
i did not expect such an opportunity to arise within the burgeoning months of my trip, be that as it may, such an occasion expired. after a couple months of living here, i met a nice korean girl.

now:
-if this sounds like old news to you, you may PAGE DOWN (a la "choose you own adventure" books)
-but to some of you (or one person in particular who may not ever see this) continue reading.

to sum it up, we fell in love. she fulfilled my vision of what i needed and wanted in a woman to the extent that i've foreseen possible. i don't really care to share more than that. peggy noonan of the wall street journal was quoted (excuse me if i'm taking this way out of context) while discussing the release of important information to the public, "some of life has to be mysterious." she would be duly noted in this case, had her quote not been in reference to the torture tactics used by the U.S...in any case, i have been developing this relationship for some time now, and though i currently have no further comment as per the specifics, i include this debriefing for the following reason--pardon the "person looking in the mirror with a mirror behind them" effect i might be causing:

1) a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. i have been hiding this very foreground-ish element of my life, and it's kept me from writing. ironically, there's a strange narcissistic nature to writing publicly--or more specifically, blogging to a small audience. seeing my work "published" in a sense gives me motivation to actually document my thoughts, if only fleeting. in a way, i feel a bit like christopher columbus. i am surely not the first to step into this world of blog-realization, but i would imagine it's more difficult to be a dealer without tasting some of your product. and even though i could have written about other aspects of my life, which i had been doing more privately since the onset of my new relationship, christopher mccandless may be right. maybe sharing your happiness (or in general, feelings) cannot be as real without sharing them.

however, i cannot solely place the blame for my absence (mostly to myself) on my inability to write without inclusion of this part of my life. i have another weakness, that of putting too much emphasis on this part of my life. for better or worse, my time and energy and thought that has been largely consumed by this relationship. but again, i meander.